Sunday, April 24, 2016


I'm going to answer the comments made in the last comment this week. Already say that I appreciate very much every comment. 

I´m going to talk about Friendship. And how fickle I came to learn they are. 

I´m 32 years old. So I´m already on my second or third batch of "friends". What do I mean by that is that, when you are young you tend to have your little friends. When you are in high-school you tend to have a group of friends (or more) as well. 

And then when you finish college, you probably also have a set of friends. This I call "batches". This happens because people more or less change with time, and by the time you get to high-school, you probably won't have many friends you made when you were in kindergarten. This is because things change, you change, and by the force of circumstances you stop being friends with whomever it was you were back in the day. 

I am also going to use the term friendship loosely here because it´s the best we have. I´ll try to hold down different meanings as I go along. 

As it´s usual with my blog here, I´m going to use my own history to illustrate what I´m going to say. 

I came to find how much friendship is a hollow term these day and age. 

Does this mean, I will say that you should not or must not have friends, or that friendships are stupid? 

No. By all means, go out and try to meet people, as long as you want and they are good, relatable folk.

What I am saying is that friendship is a very hollow idea in this world that we live in. I´m talking about almost a selfless friendship, a romantic idea of it. 

Granted, romantic ideas of everything are generally stupid anyway.

But there are some places when they should be more or less "understandable", at least? Friendships being one such case, IMO.

I had three of such friends in the beginning of 2011 that I don´t have anymore. 

And these were "friends friends". Not just people I knew, but people I had a connection of some sort. They were not just acquaintances. But, come to think of it, how do you separate a friend from an acquaintance? 

Maybe they were acquaintances after all. But, since I invested in these relations much more than others, you generally consider those "friends", whatever this means in your lexicon. 

I had three such friends AFTER college, and after some years have passed in fact, since as of 2011 I was already 5 years after my college formation. 

This is important. I´m not saying that young people are fleeting, but yeah, young people are very fleeting. They are very fickle and unstable, and generally in theirs 15 - 19, so much happens in their lives it´s difficult to keep up with much 'friendships' are all. They make and meet many friends, but they also disregard a lot of connections in their lives. The speed that they happen in this age is astonishing. 

After you are about finishing college and the first years after it and so on, things slow down in life (and they´ll keep slowing down, I gather), and friendships have the time to settle and then you can keep or make friendships that will go along with you for some years to come. 

Another thing is that friendship is supposed (SUPPOSED being key here) to be different from 'romantic relationships', because those, in general are even more fickle than the general notion of friendship itself. Friendships are supposed to last longer than failed romantic attempts, and people expect to be friends of former 'romantic partners'. 

So, in this sense, whenever your girlfriend number 8 brokes up with you, it is generally expected that this might happen, whereas friends are supposed to stick around and last longer, and form more solid relationships. (Romantic relationships are complicated, though, and are not the subject of this essay here)

So that´s why, in a way, I am nowadays a tad more disappointed with my former "friends" than I am with my ex-girlfriend. 

So I had three friends at the beginning of 2011, which is 5+ years after graduating. People that I had "weeded out" from the chaff, people that I thought I knew and trusted. Friends that I thought were even more solid people than other "friends" I had earlier in my days. People I talked about the acquaintances I made, the girls I knew, the difficulties I had in life. You know. 'Friends'.

And then, everything just... kinda fizzled out. 

So I am going to start with the number one, the first friend I lost. It was, you guessed it, in that symbolic time, 2011. 


This friend was a very important friend throughout most of my life. I used to be friends with him since I was a wee little thing. We lost touch back in 1993, when we changed schools (funny thing, we went to the same major school but never became friends again there, because we attended school at different times). 

And then we got in touch when I found him again through Orkut, a social network back in the day. 

We hung out from there until 2011, had a few arguments here and there, but in general things were ok.

In 2008 we had a major argument. In 2009 again. And then, in 2011, I brought up these arguments we had mostly through mail, and he didn´t budge. He didn´t understand I was not ok with some stuff he had said. 

Funny thing also. When I got to know this friend in 2005, he was already well changed. I thought he was becoming crazy. In 2011 he was even worse. He took several meds. But as fate is very ironic, it turns out my own mental well being degenerated quite like his own in those years now. He was very withdrawn, and suffered from social anxiety at the very least. Barely left home, this kind of thing.

At the time, I though I had it better than him, but some years down the line I´m at the same spot if not worse. 

So we had a disagreement, and as he was kinda conchy as to recognizing the way I felt about it, so I figured what the hell. 

Let's finish this.

We had disagreements, it wasn't just one. So it is a testament to the change in nature people display when they grow up as well. 

I´ll continue with the two other friendships next post.

Many cheers to all.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Ending letter n. 2

I probably not gonna end myself tonight. So I assume. 

But I think I´ll go around, see what I can do differently. It doesn´t seem the world is getting better as a whole, perhaps? Maybe it is only my perception of it. 


I´ll plan it all well. See what I can learn beforehand. One of the things that stopped me going through my 3rd floor window a couple times now is the fact that I know that I have a chance of not dying and ending up paralyzed or something in a hospital somewhere. So that is kinda stupid. If you are going to do it, do it right. Now I agree with Yoda on this. There is no try. Do it or get out. 

"Correct you are, my padawan"
But what maybe some people know is that I had decided to do it long ago. Once. By the late 2010´s, I had decided life pretty much was done. 

I never had lasting relationships, never had a long term girlfriend, I wasn´t going anywhere financially and in my career. Coupled with a life´s worth of trauma and frustration, I had decided, - 'well, guess it´s time to pack my bags and leave.' 

So by the time the end of 2010 came along, I decided to focus not on my law major, but on drawing and stuff like that, and writing. The drawing thing didn´t pan out, so I kinda let that go for a while. Began concentrating my efforts on this blog, in a way of saying 'goodbye' to the world, and alerting people of its horrors along the way. 

By the beginning of 2011, I was searching a way to travel a little, so I began taking a course in avation, as flight attendant, so I could travel for a while, while working. I was changing my life little by little, giving it up. All the fancy civil servant jobs, and whatever. Figured, before I go, and as life is apparently not in the mood to give anything that I wanted, might as well travel a little, trying to have fun.

There is much more to what was my life then that quite does not translate well, but the thing is I was slowly, but surely, giving up stuff, and beginning to focus on the blog more and more before I kick the bucket. 

Then, it happened. One night when I was coming back from a pizza place. I met a friend (male) who had a female friend with him. And she began talking to me. I was talking to himself, and she began to talk and talk to me. On that same night, after seeing the movie, I went on the internet and got her contact. 

About a month or so later, after very memorable circumstances, that girl became my girlfriend. Finally, I had a girlfriend. I didn´t even care if in reality we were meant to be, in my mind we were. And that´s how it all went. 

She was amazing to me. 

But it changed me and my goals. 

Now I wanted to go back. Not travel. Not go away! But to go back to life. My old life. At least a part of it. I raided my tomb and took the fresh corpse that was in there to reanimate it. I wanted back in!

I wanted to live because right out in the moment I was trying to end it, here came life and made a practical joke on me. And made me go back. Wanting to be alive if not for just some more time. 

She gave me life. 

And now, this very person, who had given me life, said time and again, she doesn´t want to be with me anymore, effectively shoving me forcibly on that same old tomb I had left open 5 years ago. 

So in a way, I felt like went back in time almost 6 years, and I am almost at December 2010 again, on the same level of "let´s play dice with life and see what I get".

I have almost no future plans. I have almost the same amount of anything really. Friends. Money. So in a way. It´s almost like 4+ years of my life were kinda like the most surreal-sweet-and-fucked-up dream I had ever had. 

Back at square zero. Once more. 

And that´s to explain very carefully why I am at crossroads with my personal ending once more.  

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Ending letter n. 1

If nothing changes in my life, I´m probably not gonna last long. So there goes one of my last posts here.

You know, if you want to have kids, have fucking kids. You know, if you think this might make you happy, or whatever might make you happy, go do it.

Having children is risky. Demands responsibility. And it´s probably the most cruel thing - we'll return to that - you can do. But if you want to be happy, and you think this might do it, then who am I to say otherwise.

We are all here, trying to get a chunk out of this ellusive thing called "happiness".

I tried to be happy. I did. Despite all the shit that life brings to you. I guess we all try.

Funny this word. Try.

Do or do not. There´s no try. Yeah right.


We all try our bests at this. Sometimes there´s only the trying.

And I´m not going to be responsible for anyone's lack of happiness. I would advise otherwise.

Chase it, chase it with all you got. Not ephemeral pleasures, but your happiness, in whatever it lies. Go after it. It may be ellusive and it may be just a mirage. No worries. Chase the illusion.

If it is an illusion, it´s pretty much the same thing right?

Chase it, because one day, sooner or later, it will move away from you. One way or the other.

So do what you can with the time that is given to you.

It is true that pessimism is an end of life philosophy. If you come here, it means that it is over for you, for one reason or another. Or not.

If it´s not, then turn back now and try to do whatever you can to achieve a little of that ellusive state of happiness.

Because in the end, things get ugly anyways. So there´s no point in pushing it.

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